This whole thing has become an episode of Pimp my Ride. In fact, from the writer’s point of view I think it’s always like this. You know the formula. Guy rolls up in an 80’s Daihatsu, mechanics shake their heads, guy comes back a few hours later and his banger’s become a stretch limo with hot tub.

Normally, when I hand in my “final draft” I see my newly manufactured script as a high performance sports car. All the director and actors have to do is hop in, drive it round the block, not crash. But a few days later and it inevitably turns out my Maserati is a Mondeo. I get phone calls: “This clutch is a bit sticky”… “I’m not sure about the paintwork”… “The tail light’s on the blink”… or worst case scenario… “Help. It’s broken down again”. It’s never been quite that bad but there’s always something to be done to make your motor run faster, purr louder, look sexier. And just like on MTV there’s a crew of Pimp my Ride specialists. I like to think of myself (though you probably won’t) as the grease monkey in dirty overalls who specializes in the under-the-bonnet line tweaking, scene tightening, dramatic engine tuning. Then there’s the crack team of formula one actors, the design crew for styling, fancy spray jobs etc and last but not least our director Jo Xzibit Mangan. So here we are, two weeks into rehearsals and my fine tuning is almost done. The motor’s purring nicely and she’s looking more like a Maserati every day. I’m thinking next week, we might install that hot tub.